I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
