Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
