I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
