Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
