I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
