3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
