Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
