Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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