True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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