just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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