Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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