I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
