well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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