Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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