Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
