there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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