I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So many bounce houses so little time
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
