Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
