Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
