When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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