Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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