shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
