The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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