I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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