The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
