he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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