sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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