Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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