My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
