dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He? As in you personified your dick?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You ruined the universe
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
