OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
