Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
