can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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