How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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