I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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