dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
