I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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