if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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