I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
