remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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