I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
