we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
