So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
