I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
