Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
