And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
