I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
pop tarts are not kleenex
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
