I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
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