My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
