when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
