if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
