I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
